This is the season wherein I need prayers more than ever. 

Last Saturday night was the start of my breakdown. I do not know what else to call it. It was during our weekly fellowship and I was so aware of the beating of my heart. When it was my turn to share of how I was doing, right after my older brother in Christ called my name, I bursted into tears. I could’t answer. Not mere tears, I was crying out loud! I don’t really know why I was crying. All I could grasp was that I was hurting and all I could and wanted to do was to cry.  That happened for 1 1/2 hour. I stomped my feet, I kicked the table, I hit my hands on the table while crying so hard. 

During the Sunday service, I was crying… again. Oh God, when will this stop? I know. I know that God is with me. Hold on to His promises. This too shall pass and everything will be alright. I know those. But as people would remind me of those, it sounds to me like I don’t have reasons to cry. It was as if, “Ish, why are you like that? God is with you. Don’t cry. You don’t have any right to cry. You can’t be weak, you don’t have any right to be weak because God is with you.”

Right now, I feel like I want to scream to all people and say, “This is me now! What else will you say?! Will you please stop saying that I am just tired and what I need is rest? I hate it when you’re dictating what I am feeling. You can’t tell me that because I don’t really know even to myself. You don’t know! You don’t! I am vulebrable. I am! The Ish you know that is so strong is not who she is right now!” But people will not understand. And I hate it when they are sounding like they do. They don’t. Because I don’t. I don’t understand what’s really going on. What God is up to. 

I didn’t post this in hope of someone would understand me. What I need now is not someone who would understand but people who would pray for me. 

In CHRIST alone,

ISH